In an excerpt from her new memoir titled This Far, which was obtained by Individuals, Holker revealed the devastating second police arrived at her door to inform her the information no spouse needs to listen to.

Holker defined she spent over 24 hours attempting to find Boss. The 36-year-old dancer thought her husband had checked himself right into a therapy middle; all through their nine-year marriage, Holker stated she and Boss had “very sincere” communication about his marijuana use.

She shared that she discovered a letter on Boss’ nightstand from two weeks prior. Per Holker, it was one  “wherein he made a dedication to wean himself off weed” and which he signed. She then filed a lacking individual report, stressing to the officer that she thought he was “damage someplace.”

Nevertheless, she believed police had different theories about Boss’ whereabouts, as they allegedly questions relating to their relationship, adultery and if there was abuse within the house. The pair had simply returned from a weekend celebrating their anniversary.

After safety footage confirmed Boss heading into an Uber automotive with a black backpack, she stated police then regarded round the home and found an unlocked gun case with the gun lacking. Whereas Holker stated she knew Boss had a gun — one thing she claims he bought throughout COVID as a result of improve in burglaries of their space — she had no rationalization as to why it was gone.

The mother-of-three then started calling restoration facilities, although did not make a lot progress because of privateness legal guidelines. It wasn’t till she referred to as the final restoration middle the receptionist gave her a glimmer of hope saying; “Effectively, I am not allowed to let you know if he’s right here, but when he was, would you wish to go away him a message?”

After leaving Boss a message to remind him how a lot she liked him, she felt sure that was affirmation that he was okay and even started calling family and friends to calm their minds. After asking police to contact the middle and make sure he was there, nonetheless, she stated she heard sirens and a helicopter overhead.

Holker famous about 20 minutes later, officers in her entrance yard have been joined by a 3rd officer they usually all got here to the door and requested her to take a seat down.

“He requested me to take a seat down, and my coronary heart sank. They don’t ask you to take a seat until what they’re about to let you know may be very, very unhealthy,” she recalled. “‘Your husband has been discovered,’ he stated. ‘He isn’t in rehab.’ He sat down on the kitchen desk. I stayed the place I used to be. ‘Your husband was present in a lodge. He was discovered by the maid. He shot himself’”

She did not imagine him however the officer continued that he had left a letter, his ID and was recognized by his tattoos.

“I raced down the hallway, shrieking. The sound that escaped from my throat was feral,” she continued. “I might by no means heard the likes of it earlier than. I collapsed onto the ground in a fetal place, the place I might keep for a number of minutes, keening as certainly one of our assistants held me tight.”

“Nothing made any sense. I used to be so scared. I felt so alone whilst I used to be in one other’s embrace. The world went black. The partitions closed in on me till I believed I used to be going to suffocate,” the excerpt concludes. “Till that second, I had by no means understood the phrase ‘It is just like the world stopped.’ That is precisely the way it felt: as if time froze. I actually couldn’t imagine that Stephen was useless.”

In her memoir, she additionally reveals she made a devastating drug discovery about her late husband shortly earlier than his funeral.

Weeks after the Ellen DeGeneres Present co-executive producer and longtime DJ died by suicide at age 40 in December 2022, the dancer professional stated she discovered a “cornucopia” of medication — together with mushrooms, tablets and “different substances I needed to lookup on my telephone” — hidden inside his shoeboxes inside their closet. You may learn extra on this story right here. 

This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Gentle comes out Feb. 4 from Harper Choose and is offered for preorder now, wherever books are bought.