Weeks after the Ellen DeGeneres Present co-executive producer and longtime DJ died by suicide at age 40 in December 2022, the dancer professional stated she discovered a “cornucopia” of medication — together with mushrooms, drugs and “different substances I needed to search for on my cellphone” — hidden inside his shoeboxes inside their closet.

“I used to be with one in all my actually expensive mates, and we have been cleansing out the closet and choosing out an outfit for him for the funeral,” Holker stated in a brand new cowl story for PEOPLE.

“It was a extremely triggering second for me as a result of there have been a whole lot of issues I found in our closet that I didn’t know existed. It was very alarming to me to study that there was a lot taking place that I had no clue [about],” she continued. “It was a extremely scary second in my life to determine that out, but it surely additionally helped me course of that he was going by means of a lot and he was hiding a lot, and there should have been a whole lot of disgrace in that.”

All through their nine-year marriage, Holker believed she and Boss had “very trustworthy” communication about his marijuana use. At night time, after their children went to mattress, he would quietly slip into their guesthouse to smoke or drink.

“That was his alone time. It was his time to recharge, and that was okay,” Holker stated. However as she appeared by means of his journals within the wake of his demise, the skilled dancer realized her husband had hidden painful secrets and techniques from even these closest to him.

“He was wrestling with loads inside himself, and he was making an attempt to self-medicate and deal with all these emotions as a result of he did not need to put it on anybody as a result of he beloved everybody a lot,” she says of Boss, who alluded to being sexually abused by a male determine throughout his childhood in a number of of his journal entries. “He did not need different folks to tackle his ache.”

Whereas, initially, Holker stated she felt betrayed by his secrets and techniques, because of remedy and time, she’s gained a brand new outlook on the state of affairs.

“Studying Stephen’s journals, and even going again into the books he had learn and the issues that he was highlighting and lining, actually gave me a greater perspective of the place he was in life and the kind of issues he was fighting,” she stated. “It did have me really feel a whole lot of empathy in the direction of him and disappointment for all of the ache that he was holding.”

Holker, who particulars her therapeutic journey in a brand new memoir titled This Far, out Feb. 4, stated by sharing sharing Boss’ struggles within the aftermath of his demise, she’s hopeful she will save even only one one who’s been struggling in silence.

“It was actually exhausting to place all of the items collectively. By means of sure discussions, even with mates and issues which have been stated, studying by means of his journals … you understand he went by means of loads as a toddler and by no means confronted it,” she says. “It is exhausting to assume that he by no means opened as much as somebody and wished to face it, to get by means of on the opposite aspect. I actually hope folks coping with the identical factor will assist themselves out of the shadows and [know] you are going to be okay.”

Whereas Holker stated Boss was appearing withdrawn, showering much less regularly and smoking morning and night time, and acknowledged to her that he was going by means of a low interval, the mom of three stated her late husband was “very cautious about this wording.”

On the time, he was closing out eight years on The Ellen DeGeneres Present whereas additionally ending a run as a choose on So You Assume You Can Dance.

Nonetheless, “we have been preparing for this massive yr,” she says. “It appeared like, ‘Oh, he is taking a resting interval,’ which he would say he is by no means had.”

In hindsight, Holker stated she believes Boss was struggling to search out he stability between his public, extroverted persona as “tWitch,” and his personal life because the introverted Stephen.

“After I would take into consideration my husband on the time, I’d assume, ‘Oh, I like that tWitch is such a fantastic performer, however then when he comes residence he feels secure sufficient to be Stephen,’” she stated. “I used to be with him for therefore lengthy, and that is how he is been all the relationship. I used to be like, ‘It is a phenomenal factor that he will be each.’”

Wanting again, Holker has realized his “two very completely different personalities” have been more and more “battling” one another. “What if he felt secure being this one person that has completely different form of energies,” she puzzled. “You do not have to be a very completely different individual and put them apart from one another.”

Holker, who shared kids, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 5, with Boss, in addition to Weslie, 16, who she welcomed in a earlier relationship, stated Boss dropped Weslie at college the morning earlier than he went lacking, telling PEOPLE that the teenager was the final individual of their household to see him alive, including that his remaining phrases to her have been, “I want I could possibly be your Superman.”

“Having somebody say final phrases to you that you simply did not actually course of on the time as being something improper … that is actually exhausting, particularly as a youngster,” Holker stated, sharing that Weslie nonetheless attends the identical faculty.

“She handles it with way more grace than she ought to should. We took the steps to actually assist her and talk together with her and make her really feel seen and heard,” Holker continues. “I believe she additionally sees these phrases as one thing stunning, and in addition ugly. It is a battle that she’s going to at all times have with herself, however I do know she will see it from each side.”

However by feeling these full vary of feelings and understanding there is a gentle on the finish of that tunnel of grief, is one thing Holker hopes readers take away from her new ebook.

Should you or somebody you realize is fighting despair or has had ideas of harming themselves or taking their very own life, get assist. The Nationwide Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) supplies 24/7, free, confidential help for folks in misery.

This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Mild by Allison Holker comes out Feb. 4 from Harper Choose and is out there for preorder now, wherever books are bought.